I woke up this morning feeling like a winner. But at time went by (which was fast) it didn’t seem that I could win. I was horrible. Why am I even allowed to play? Frankly I really really, well, sucked! I was like back in sec1 where I didn’t how what the hell setting was. I was worst than every one else. I was a LOSER! I wanted to give up but couldn’t because if I didn’t I’ll be letting everyone down. I needed a guide. The damn guide was missing. The coach wasn’t there for some reason. Vlee appeared and immediately disappeared. Fara couldn’t coach me while she warmed up (it’ll be selfish of me to deprive her of her critical warm up). The people outside the court wanted to help but didn’t know how to. The people in side, I have no comments whatsoever. Why did things turn out this way? How could it turn out this way?

It was really a let down. I thought she improved, well she did, but they have no chemistry. I also think I have no right to criticize any of them. What makes me think I’m better than them? I’m just as horrible.

This is the reason I HATE U16. It always makes me think that I’m a pariah. Which I shouldn’t be thinking about. I have to be strong and hard but it is super difficult. The fear is back. The fear of disappointing everyone who believes in me. Especially after what happened today. Why me? You should have seen me. If you did, you wouldn’t have said that. You would have given up on us, on me. I’m scared!

I don’t believe I can. I believe that I will fail. No matter how hard I try or how much I put in. I will FAIL! I feel like giving up. God, help me. I really need you now.

I hate reality. It’s like I love sleeping, why? Because I can dream of whatever I want. But once I wake up it’s like, with each passing second, I grow older and I can’t stop the process. No matter what, reality hurts. Yes, I admit I can’t face reality. It’s true. I have to grow out of it. Then I have to grow, which I don’t want to. I want to go back. Go back to times where we had fun, where everything was perfect. But I cant, therefore I hate reality!

Done. I have ranted everything out. It’s out!

I tried to forget. I tried.